What If?
by krocksmsox96
Summary: This story is based pretty close to the show up until 2x17. What if Ezra never made it too the clock tower to meet Aria. A is mentioned in flashbacks but the rest of the story is A free. Much better than the summary suggests!
1. Ezra

Ezra

I am sitting at my desk trying to grade papers, but my phone keeps buzzing and I can't stop thinking about her, her smile, her smell, her face. I can't help but think about how she can always have a positive outlook even during the worst. How she is always able to make me feel better. I love her more than life itself. It's hard to think about how we got to where we are now. We have gone through so much. I still remember the first day I met her.

It was labor day. I was about to start my first teaching job at Rosewood High School as the English teacher. I had been out of college for only a couple of months. I was sitting at the bar reading when a beautiful young woman sat just two chairs away from me. She had beautiful dark wavy hair and bright green eyes. She looked a little distraught, and I was a little curious about her. "You alright down there?"

"I'm a bit jet lagged I just got back from Europe."

"Where in Europe?" I asked because I love to travel.

"Iceland."

"I spent some time in Reykjavik, before I went to Amsterdam. It's a great city," I was trying to keep up conversation. I couldn't tell if she wanted to as well or not.

"So, do you go to Hollis?" She asked finally showing interest in the conversation

"Just graduated. I'm about to start my first teaching job."

"Yeah, I-I think I'd like to teach. Ah, I love this song." As a song started to play throughout the room from the speakers.

"B-26," she looked at me and smiled. That smile was just incredibly beautiful and I couldn't help but look at it. "What's you're major?"

"Ah, well, ah, I'm leaning towards English."

"That's what I'm teaching," she let out a small laugh

"Well, and I write, too, but so far it's mostly personal. Just for me."

"I'm impressed," This girl was starting to amaze me even more as the conversation went on.

"Why?"

"Um, I tried writing," I got up and moved to the chair next to her. "I didn't get very far. You're lucky. If you're writing for yourself it's pure passion. Maybe you'd let me read some of yours?"

"Yeah, you really want to?"

"Yeah, You're smart, You've traveled, Great taste in music," There she went with that smile again. It made you want to smile. It was so infectious that I did begin to smile. "I'd like to know more about you."

"Yeah, I'd-I'd like to know more about you to," I don't remember how we'd gotten there, but eventually we ended up in the bathroom making out by the sink. I couldn't help but think who is this girl. She was gorgeous and smart, and we had so many things in common. That evening changed my life. I hadn't known it then, or maybe I had a twinkling of an idea, but I would later fall in love with this girl. I just didn't know about the problems we were going to endure through our relationship. I found out the next day that she wasn't a college student. She was actually a high school student in my English class. This made everything complicated. I tried very hard to stay away from her. But there was something about her, and I think it may have been that I was falling in love with this absolutely amazing person, that just made me come back to her. Our relationship was a secret, I was her teacher, if it got out I would go to jail. We continuously broke up and got back together, and we fought often, but we also fell in love, and I would never take a single moment with Aria Montgomery away. I later resigned from Rosewood High to work at Hollis College. This gave us the chance to be together in public, but we had to be careful. It wasn't the age difference, there was very little of that anyway. It was we hadn't told her parents and I was her former teacher. We eventually told her parents, and that's when everything went wrong. Her dad threatened to call the police if I didn't stay away from Aria. Aria kept calling me and it took everything in my will power not to answer.

I am sitting at my desk at Hollis college thinking about the first day I met Aria and everything that has happened in our relationship, then my phone buzzes again. There are two missed calls and a voice mail. I know who they're from. I already noticed them, I just can't bring myself to deleting them. I finally decide to listen. It isn't against Byron. It's not like I'm trying to contact her. I press the listen button and I hear Aria's voice talking to me.

"Ezra, Hey I'm calling from Emily's phone for obvious reasons," She took a deep breath. It made me wish she was here so I could hold her tight and tell her everything will be all right. "Listen, I really don't want to think about us being over, but whether we are or we aren't it's something we should discuss face to face. So, meet me tonight at eight, um, in front of the clock by Renault square. If you come it means that there's still a chance for us and if not the-," The message is over and all I can do is stare. I have to see her. I look at the time. If I don't leave now I won't make it. I run to my car and start to drive to Philadelphia. I took a detour down her road, just to make sure she isn't there. I am driving faster than I should be, but I turn my head towards her house to see if she is there. She's not, I Exhale and turn my head forward. There's a tree. I close my eyes and see Aria's face. I whisper I love you more than you could ever know, and the car crashes.


	2. Aria

Aria

I was sitting on a bench staring into every silver car's driver's seat waiting until I saw his face. There was no way he would just give up on us. I knew we had our differences, but to let our love go so easily. He could never do that. That could not be the Ezra Fitz I had known and fallen in love with. My phone began to ring, I dug into my purse frantically hoping that it was him. It was just my mom, but if I didn't answer it she would think that I really did sneak off to meet him. I picked up. "Hello."

"Honey, you need to come home right away."

"But I'm in the city with Spencer."

"I need you to come home now."

"Fine, I'll be there as soon as I can," I had no idea what was going on. I sent a text to Ezra saying I left because my mom needed me, and then an S.O.S. to the girls. I took the first train and got home within a half hour. There was chaos outside. A car had hit a tree near my house. And it was smoking, like a fire had just been put out. I looked closer. That wasn't just a car, that was Ezra's car. I began to run to it as fast as I possibly could. Emily, Hanna, and Spencer noticed me and came over. "What's going on? That's Ezra's car. Where is he?" I was screaming at them. They all were trying to reach for me. I moved away from them. "WHERE IS HE?!" I screamed louder.

"Aria," Spencer whispered.

"Spencer tell me now!"

"Aria, the medics carried a body bag from the scene about ten minute's ago."

Everything was going blurry. I was still caught on carried a body bag. Spencer was trying to find a nice way of telling me Ezra Fitz, the love of my life, had been taken away from me forever. I was beginning to fall to my knees but Emily, Spencer, and Hanna grabbed me by the waist and elbows. I just stared at the car. It wasn't possible. I just talked to him a couple weeks ago. He couldn't have left me without me being able to say good bye at least. After everything we had been through. It couldn't have ended like this. "Spence, I think I am going to be sick," The girls began to drag me to my house. I noticed Mike, my mom, and my dad, but I couldn't process anything. They took me to the bathroom, where I knelt over the toilet and hurled many times. I heard someone knocking on the door.

"Aria, are you alright?" My mom said through the door in a very concerned voice.

I slowly stood up and opened the door and saw my mom, dad, and Mike staring at me. Hanna, Emily, and Spencer were in the living room. "No, I'm not alright."

"What happened, did you see the car? I'm sure it isn't his."

"It's definitely his," I said as tears poured down my face.

"Then I'm sure he is fine. I saw an Ambulance, he's probably at the hospital right now," My mom said trying to keep me calm and took a step towards me. I was clutching the wall to give me support. I was too shaky to stand up on my own.

"He isn't fine, He's dead. Spencer saw them carry a body bag away. You guys got your wish. He is out of my life forever." The words coming out of my mouth made everything feel too real. The tears were streaming faster and I fell to the ground. I put my head in my lap and cried harder than I had ever cried before. My mom slid to the floor beside me and pulled me into her arms. My dad just stood there and Mike looked around, and finally went over to the girls.

"Baby, I am so sorry," My mom said in a calming voice through a long line of shhs. We sat there for a long time while she rocked me back and forth, and rubbed my back. The whole time my dad was standing there. I finally fell asleep.


	3. Aria: Memories

I just had a run in with Meredith at mom's art gallery. I needed someone, but no one knew who Meredith was and why I would be so upset that I ran into her. I went to the only place I could think of. I knocked on apartment 3B's door, and Ezra opened it. "Hey, I thought you were helping out at the gallery."

"I was. Can I come in?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

I slowly began to let the tears fall down my face "I'm s- I'm sorry. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. I just didn't know where else to go. I'll see you on Monday," I began to walk away.

"No, wait, are you- are you okay? Do you need me to drive you home?" He looked at me with his big blue eyes full of concern

"That's the last place I want to be."

"Why? What happened?"

"Can- Can we just be here for a minute?" He pulled me into a hug and comforted me as I fell apart in his arms.

I was coming up to his apartment to make us both dinner. I had bags full of groceries in my hands and knocked on the door. He opened the door. "Please tell me you have a really deep pan, and please tell me I left my phone here?"

"You did."

"Ezra," I noticed the anger on his face and could hear it in his voice. "What's wrong?"

"I was trying to work and it kept buzzing. I thought it was an emergency your parents or something, so I looked at it, um, just take it," I took the phone and noticed it was a message from A. I read it. 'Lucky you, Aria! Most girls have to do their homework. You get to do the teacher...-A' "Who's A?"

"I don't know," I said as I shook my head.

"How many of your friends did you tell?"

"I didn't."

"'Cause I'm thinking if A knows then B and C and everyone else knows too."

"The person who sent this is not my friend."

"You told me you were mature enough to handle this. Do you know what would happen if the school board or if anybody,"

"I didn't tell anyone, you have to believe me."

"Well, I don't. Just go, go, now," I slowly walked away from the door and he slammed it shut. I will never deny what we had was rocky. Yes, we fought, but it always brought us closer. And they were never stupid petty arguments. They always meant something.

He had broken things off again. I was slowly starting to date Noel Kahn. A left a poetry book in my locker, and told me to read a specific page. It was called B-26 by Ezra Fitz. The poem was about me and it was beautiful. The words had so much feeling and so much depth. I cried as I sat and read it alone. I later brought the book to Ezra "I read your poem. B-26. How could you? How could you write these words and feel these feelings, but give up on us so easily?"

"I- I never intended for you to read that."

"You let me believe that you didn't love me."

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

"For you, not for me."

"That's not true."

I was so angry at him for doing this. I had been crying over him for days. He pretended that he never loved me. And now he wanted to talk about the truth. "Oh, we are gonna talk about truth now. Well, today's truth or yesterday's, or last week's because honestly I don't know which of your stories to believe anymore. The I thought about you every second I was gone story or the one's that end with I'm out of here. But it wasn't my age that ruined us, Ezra, you did."

"Aria, please,"

"No, I've moved on, you should too," That's when Noel Kahn walked in.

"What's going on here?"

I looked over my shoulder at Noel, "Nothing," and then back at Ezra who was staring back at me. "there is absolutely nothing going on here," I stormed out of the classroom without looking back.

Ezra had been texting me to meet him all night and I finally agreed. I snuck away from Mona's party to meet him in his car. I entered his car and pulled off my hood

"Thanks for meeting me. I don't blame you for being angry. I deserve it. I was a coward. I should have fought for you."

"Yeah, Why didn't you?"

"I wasn't looking for another job so I could leave you, Aria, I was looking for you," I looked at him then. "I thought if I resigned from Rosewood then we would have a chance. Then I saw you with Noel and I decided that I was being selfish, that if you had a chance of being happy without all the- the complications..."

This made me so angry at him. "You really are a jerk, Ezra, you can't just go around deciding how things are supposed to work out. You don't get to choose how I feel. And look whether you believe me or not I have always been honest with you. You hiding your feelings for me is just like lying."

"I was wrong," He leaned in close to me, "Forgive me?"

"No."

He leaned in even closer and whispered, "Forgive me?"

The urge overpowered me and I kissed him. I missed him so much. We began to make out, I hadn't even noticed that Hanna was trying to call me. The picture paused on his face. All I could do was whisper I love you and please come back to me over and over again. The pain was growing stronger and stronger and I was beginning to cry.


	4. Aria: Trying to cope

Somebody was shaking me awake. I was beginning to wake up and Spencer's face was in mine. I could still feel Ezra's lips on mine.

"Aria? Aria?"

"Spence, why did you wake me I was having the perfect dream."

"Hun, you were arguing with someone in your sleep. My guess was Fitz too, because you said Ezra a couple times. Then you began whispering something and crying hysterically."

"I know, but at least the dream let me hold on to what I have left of him. Now can you guys please let me go back to sleep."

"Hun, you have been asleep for almost 24 hours."

"Obviously not long enough, because he isn't back yet."

"Who isn't, Aria?"

"Ezra, Spencer, Do you remember anything from last night. Ezra isn't back yet."

"Aria, he isn't coming back. The news even confirmed that he is gone this morning. No amount of sleep is going to change that."

"Yes it will."

"Hanna, can you please go get Mrs. Montgomery?"

"Yeah, I'll go get her." Hanna left and Mike walked in. He crossed the room to my bed. He sat down and pulled me close.

"Aria, he isn't coming back." Mike whispered in my ear. "He's gone."

"No, he can't! I love him! I love him, Mike! He can't leave me! I need him!" I screamed, and cried hysterically into his chest. I heard my mom and dad run up the stairs. They were standing at the door and my mom was starting to walk in. "Mike, make them leave. I don't want to see their faces."

"Aria," Mom and Dad started to say.

"No, this is all your fault. If dad hadn't gone to his apartment and threatened him with the police this would have never happened."

"Aria, how do you know that?" Dad asked

"Which part? The one where you threatened him or he wouldn't have died! Let's see when I called him last week and he told me I couldn't call him anymore I knew that wasn't his choice! I knew someone threatened him so I guessed it was you! And the other part I know because I wasn't with Spencer last night! I was waiting for him! When I saw his car I knew it was because he was speeding to meet me in time! If he wasn't afraid of you and we didn't have to sneak off he would still be here! So this is both of your guys' fault!"

"Aria, I was trying to protect you. I was trying to ensure that you never got hurt. I never expected it to end this way."

"He never hurt me, Dad, you did! By not letting me see him! And now you got your wish! I can never see him again!"

"Aria, I never meant for this to happen, but he was your teacher. He crossed a line he shouldn't have crossed."

"You can't control who you love, Dad! And for the record we met on Labor Day, before we knew anything! I had no idea he would be my teacher! He had no idea I would be his student! When we found out he tried to avoid the relationship! When he found it was too hard and that we were falling in love he tried to find a new job so we could stay together! Until then we kept it a secret! You have no idea about anything we had been through! You don't know what it was like! I loved him with all my heart!"

"Aria," Dad tried to speak in a very soft voice

"Mike, make them leave now." Mom stood there amazed and slowly backed away.

"Byron," She called. "Just give her space. She is hurting right now."

"Ella, How can you side with her. She is 17 years old. She is just a kid. She doesn't know what real love is," Mike slid out from underneath me and went over to the door.

"How can you be such an ass! After she told you and mom about her relationship she talked to me. If you saw the look on her face when she talked about him you would have known it was real. Do you see her right now?! The pain has crippled her so much she can barely get out of bed! Did you see her last night?! Did you even notice it took three people to bring her into the house last night?! She cried herself to sleep and woke up crying! Someone who doesn't know what real love is would not have reacted that way!"

"Mike, you are just a kid, too. You wouldn't understand. I'm not denying that she cared about him, but it wasn't love. And their relationship was completely unacceptable."

"Dad, if you remember you also had a student-teacher affair almost two years ago!"

"Mine was not with a Minor, Mike, and I wasn't in love with her!"

"How do you know he didn't love her! You never gave him a chance!"

"May I remind you that you are the one that hit him!"

"Because I knew if I didn't you would, and then I listened to Aria. The look on her face when she talked about him gave you everything you needed to know. She loved him! Now she is in a lot of pain and you're being an insensitive ass! Just go downstairs with Mom! I'll handle Aria!" Dad looked livid and he stomped down the stairs and out the door. Mike entered my room again and closed the door behind him. I didn't know where Spencer, Hanna, and Emily went but I didn't really care. I just stared at my wall while Mike held me tight. I didn't eat, and I couldn't move. I just laid there. I eventually started to listen to music. I just played all of our songs on repeat. Mike sat there and watched me. He tried to talk to me but I could never respond. He grabbed the air mattress laid it on the floor grabbed his blankets, pillows, and a book to read.

"What are you doing?" was the only thing I could say.

"Someone needs to watch you. Your friends needed to go home and I don't think you want Mom and Dad to. We're worried Aria."

"Can you please do something for me?"

"Sure what do you need?"

"Call Spence and ask her to go to his apartment and grab a few of his shirts for me."

"Aria, I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Please, Mike? I need to be close to him. It's the only thing I can think of. Please?"

"Where's the key I'm sure he locked it."

"Under his door mat. Thank you Mike. Oh and can you give me that Sherwood Anderson book?" Mike grabbed the book and gave it to me. I opened it and read the note Ezra had wrote me. I brought the book close, turned the music back on and continued to stare at absolutely nothing on the wall. Mike called Spencer and began to read. I stared and cried for the rest of the day. Mike watched me and again tried to make conversation. I just continued to stare, not answering him. Spencer had finally dropped off the shirts, which I slipped on and crawled back into bed. I could smell his scent on his shirt and I cried even harder. Mike got up and pulled me in close to him again and I cried until I fell asleep.


	5. Mike

She finally fell asleep after hours of staring and crying. The crying got worse after the shirts arrived. I don't know how to help her with this one. She won't speak to anyone. She only spoke to ask for the shirts and a book. I tried to ask her why she wanted the book if she wasn't going to read it but she wouldn't answer me. I grabbed it now to check what was so important about it. I opened it to find a very short note from Mr. Fitz in it. It made sense. She is asleep now, though, I can leave for a little while. I slowly left the room looking at her one more time before I left. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were puffy from the crying. I walked downstairs. Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch. I was paying so much attention to Aria I hadn't even noticed that Dad came back. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Dad. It's just she is in a lot of pain and she could hear every single word you were saying. You were making her worse and I needed you to leave."

"No, Mike. You were right. I was being insensitive. And I never even tried to think about the fact that her love may have been real. I shouldn't have said those things in front of her. How is she doing?"

"How do you think? She is falling apart. She is unresponsive to everyone. She is just laying on her bed wearing one of his shirts hugging a book and listening to the same sappy love songs over and over again. She stared at a wall all day, and continuously cries. She cried herself to sleep again, and I honestly have no idea how to help her."

"Give her time to heal. Give her a couple more days. She's heartbroken. She doesn't know how to react to this kind of loss," Mom said

"She wasn't this bad after Ali's death,though."

"Ali wasn't her boyfriend, Mike. It's a different situation. And sadly she is going to be angry at your father and I for a very long time. We forbade her to see him. She hadn't seen or talked to him in weeks and that's probably killing her. Also she is always going to deal with the question of What if? She will always wonder if they would have made it if he hadn't died. She'll wonder if they would have gotten married and had kids. Those questions will always haunt her."

"I just wish I could help her."

"You are helping her by being there for her. I wish she would let us be there for her, but she won't let us near her."

"Look at it from her eyes, Mom. She is blaming you guys. She feels It was your fault she wasn't with him. She feels that if you guys didn't take a negative approach to her relationship and allowed her to be her there would have been no reason for him to be in the car. I think she also blames herself. She asked him to meet her. She was the reason he was in the car."

"Mike, you have to help her understand that it isn't her fault."

"I'll try, Mom."


	6. Aria: More Memories

Aria

Noel threatened him to change the grade again. I went to his apartment to check on him. I didn't know what I would run into, but I did not expect it to be this. He looked like a mess. He had loosened his tie and pulled out his shirt. He was still wearing his vest and had a glass of brandy in his hand. "What happened today?" I said with a concerned face as I looked at him.

"It's over, Aria. The hiding, the sneaking around, it's over."

"Wait, Ezra, no come on you- you have to tell me what happened," I grabbed the glass and set it down. He grabbed my hands and looked straight into my eyes.

"What you and I have is the most real and honest thing in my life, and that's something I hope you will remember, no matter what happens tomorrow that won't change."

"I know how you feel about me."

"I'm not going to change Noel's grade, and I will not let him hurt you. If I resign tomorrow and- and get the hell out of Rosewood he'll have no reason to tell anybody about us." I was upset he would think like this. "Hey, even though this doesn't look right, it has always felt right and I will not let him change this into something that feels wrong. I just can't, I can't."

I reached for his cheek and stroked it. I wrapped my arms around him and looked into his eyes, "I love you," Was all I could say to him and I meant it I kissed him and he kissed me back. We stood in the middle of his apartment not able to break apart.

The dance-a-thon just ended and we were standing in the parking lot. Simone had visited and shown a very strong interest towards Ezra. "You know what, you should just leave with Simone. Take her home to New York."

"Why would you even think I would want..?"

"Why wouldn't you? She's beautiful and She's s-smart and funny."

"I met her yesterday."

"Yeah, but she's successful, you love her writing, she's your age, I can't compete with that."

"Nobody is asking you to."

"Yeah, but it's true you two even look like a couple. You can dance with her, and hold her hand in front of other people. Leave your apartment at the same time without having to count to fifty."

"Aria, Why are we having this conversation? I- I am already in love with someone else," He leaned in to kiss me, but stopped because there were people on the other side of the parking lot. The feeling of his loss intensified as I stared at his frozen face. The tears poured faster and faster, and I couldn't stop them. Next thing I knew I was screaming, "Don't leave! Don't leave! Please come back! Please!"


	7. Aria: The Funeral

Mike shook me awake. Already sitting on my bed pulling me towards him.

"Aria, you have to talk about it. You're scaring me," But I couldn't speak I just stared into nothingness looking for his face again. "Aria, you have been like this for days. You have barely touched any food, and haven't left this room. The funeral is today and I think you should go."

"Mike, I-I don't know if I can."

"If you don't you'll regret it the rest of your life. It will help you get some closure. You won't have to do anything the girls are already here to help you get dressed," They walked in and grabbed me by the waist and elbows.

"First, Hun, you really need a shower," Hanna said.

"Hanna!" Spencer said staring at her. I didn't speak. I just let the girls drag me to the bathroom. I ended up taking a bath because I couldn't stand up on my own. The girls dressed me as I kept staring looking for an answer that would make this nightmare make sense. And why I haven't woken up from it. My mind played a very sick joke on me and I wanted it to end. Before I knew it everything was done and they had me in a car. At the funeral there wasn't many people I knew. I noticed Hardy from the reading, Ezra's mom and Brother from a photo Ezra showed me. His mother came up to me.

"Hello, are you Aria?"

"Yes, you know who I am?"

"Of course, my son told me so much about you when he came up looking for a new job. And whenever I called him he was always talking about you. I could tell he loved you just by his voice."

"He told me a lot about you guys, too. I just didn't think he told anyone about us."

"Because you were his student. He didn't really have a choice when he came up looking for a new job. I knew something was up. He did make an understatement when he said you were very beautiful."

"He said that."

"Of course honey, he was definitely in love with you, and how couldn't he be. From what he told me you are a very beautiful person on the inside and out."

"Thank you." I said with tears streaming down my face. "It means a lot to me for you to say that. He meant the world to me. I loved him very much."

"I know. Why don't you sit with us during the service."

"Sure, I just need to tell my brother and my friends," I went over to all of them and told them what was going on. Mike watched me the whole time. He has been doing that for the past few days.

"Aria, I'm going to sit with you. I really don't want you alone right now."

"Okay, Mike, but I don't need a babysitter," My speaking voice has been just a mumble since everything. Thinking about everything makes it hard for me to talk.

"Your behavior the past couple of days says otherwise. You're my older sister and I want to make sure you're okay," Mike walked with me back to Ezra's mom.

"This is my little brother, Mike."

"Hello, Mike, I am Dianne," Hardy walked over to us.

"Hello, Aria."

"Hello."

"Dianne, we have a situation. Jackie decided that she was going to come today. She has everyone believing that her and Ezra were still together."

"Jackie is here?" I asked.

"Yes, how do you know about Jackie?" Hardy turned to me.

"We were dating for almost a year. She came up a few times."

"Well, she's here."

"Wesley," Dianne turned to Ezra's little brother, "Please show Aria and her brother where we will be sitting while I handle this."

"Yes, Mom," Wesley said with his head down and led Mike and I to our seats. We had entered the church and I saw the casket. Mike immediately grabbed a hold of me as if he knew before I did that I was going to fall apart. He brought me to a seat and I began to cry. Mike wrapped his arms around me. How is it physically possible that Ezra Fitz, the man that I love, the man that was so full of life is laying dead in that casket right now. All I could do is cry. I couldn't look up I just looked down and cried. Dianne finally came over.

"What's wrong?" Again I felt like I couldn't speak and I felt like I was going to throw up.

"She has been like this ever since the accident. I was surprised she held it in long enough to have a conversation with you. I'm guessing the casket triggered it."

"She has been like this since the accident?"

"Yeah, It's actually been worse. This is the first place in the outside world she has been since. She's hidden herself in her room wrapped up in his shirts clutching a book he gave her, and listening to music that reminds her of nothing but him. All she does is stare at a wall in her room crying. I've barely left her side."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Go ahead, don't expect to get a response. She goes through these phases. She has moments where she can hold an entire conversation, then all of a sudden she can't speak, move or even stand up."

"Aria, Aria. It's Dianne. I know it feels like you can't live your life anymore without him. Trust me I understand I have been feeling like that. But we have to. Ezra would want us to. Ezra would have wanted you to move on. You are young, Sweetheart. It won't hurt forever. It will get easier, I promise. I know you will never stop loving him, but you have to move forward. Ezra would want that. I have something I want to give you at the end of the service. Something I know he would have wanted you to have." I couldn't move I was frozen and paralyzed with pain.

"Mike, I really need to go to the bathroom," I said with the little voice I could.

"I will go get one of the girls," Mike left and Dianne sat next to me. All I could do after I spoke was stare at the floor. I felt like I was going to throw up again. Where was Mike with the girls? Just as I thought it they appeared. They helped me up and brought me to the bathroom. I ran to the first toilet and began to puke once again. It was all beginning to be too much. I knew I shouldn't have come. I should have stayed in my sweats in bed never to move. I kept crying and throwing up. Finally I sat against the stall and cried. Spencer opened the stall door and slid to the ground. She pulled me in to her arms.

"You have to talk to us, Aria," I know they wanted me to talk to them, but I just couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything. I literally felt like there was no reason to keep on living. What was the point? I wasn't going to spend it with Ezra. I remember our argument about the future. We felt it was such a big deal then. Look now, we don't get to have a future. All our little arguments about stuff like that seems so stupid right now. All I want is for him to hold me and tell me it will be all right. I don't want Mike or Spencer or Hanna or Emily holding me and comforting me, I want Him, no I need Ezra to hold me tight. I need Ezra. Ezra, why did you have to leave me? I can't handle this on my own. I need you, Ezra. The more I thought his name the more I cried. It was uncontrollable. It felt like we were sitting there for hours. Mike walked in to see how I was doing. I guess he decided that it didn't matter that we were in the girl's room. He took Spencer's place and brought me in closer.

"Aria, please talk to me. This isn't helpful. He wouldn't have wanted this. Please, Aria, talk to me. You are really starting to make me worry," I wanted to say something, I really did,but I couldn't. I felt like I no longer had a voice. The pain of losing him wasn't just emotional. My whole body felt like it was shutting down. My heart actually ached. My chest felt like it was collapsing. After a long silence Mike lifted me up, and supported me back to my seat next to Dianne. I was only in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. Mike kept his arms around me throughout the service. I don't remember much of it, I just quietly cried to myself while staring at the floor. At the end of the service Mike brought me over to the casket. The girls had to run over to help Mike keep me up. I wasn't trying to make a scene I just physically couldn't handle the idea that Ezra was really in there. Completely motionless, never to argue with me, talk to me, hold me, and kiss me again. Everything was beginning to feel too real. The girls and Mike brought me to the car, and Dianne gave Mike what ever she wanted to give me. We got back to the house I put my sweats back on and crawled into bed. Mike followed me and handed me a journal. "This is what Fitz's mom wanted you to have." I looked at it. I immediately realized what it was. I saw it so many times in his apartment, but didn't dare to read it. I opened to the first page.


	8. Aria: After the Funeral

I met a girl tonight. I was at the bar just reading. Thinking about my new teaching job, when she walked in. She had these beautiful, big, green eyes. And this smile. I mean her smile just lit up the whole bar. It made her look absolutely gorgeous. Her smile made me want to smile. She isn't just beautiful though. She's smart, man is she smart. We had so much to talk about. She loves to travel. And above all she writes. She's my dream girl. Everything I ever wanted. I hope I will be able to see her again. She is amazing. I know I just met her, but I honestly think I am falling in love with her. No, I don't think I know I am falling in love with her. I need to know more about her. All I can think is who is this girl? I hope I will be able to see her again. At least I did get a name. Her name is Aria, what a beautiful name it is. I turned to the last page of the journal. This one read:

I miss her so much. It is killing me that I can't see her. But her father threatened to call the police. My career would be ruined. Yet her presence is all around my apartment. I see the paper bags we wore in our only couples photo. On my desk chair is the tie she gave me for our first date night in Philadelphia. On the lounger her scarf is still where she left it weeks ago. I can't help but think of Aria Montgomery. I am in love with her. I wake up every Saturday with a huge grin on my face. The reason why is I see Aria for the entire day. Saturdays have always been our date day. Seeing her means the world to me. Aria is my light. I know many people would make a big deal about our relationship,but no matter what anyone says it has always felt right to me. I love her so much. I wish I could be with her right now. I wish I could hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be okay. I wish I could feel her touch my face, like she always does to comfort me. I wish I could kiss her. I need Aria. I love her so much and I can't wait until I can see her again. I read all the journal entries in between and they were all about me. Every single one. Sometimes he talked about our arguments, other times he just talked about some of our simple lazy Saturdays. But every one was about moments we spent together. The tears started to stream down my face. These prove how much he really did love me. It makes everything worse. It makes everything hurt more. These make me miss him more. I pick up my phone and dial his number. I need to hear his voice. Even if it isn't really him I need to hear it. His voice mail picked up saying the same thing it has always said 'This is Ezra, sorry I'm not here, you know what to do.' I called and listened to it over and over again. It hurt. I could hear his voice but at the same time I knew it wasn't really him. I finally stopped and laid there and cried. I honestly couldn't do anything else. His loss was destroying me. He always knew how to make me feel better. He could solve any problem. Now he can't help me. And I honestly don't know how I am going to handle this without him. My mom walked in and over to me. She was checking on me frequently since Mike had to go to Lacrosse practice. At least she didn't ask me questions or tried to get me to talk. She would just sit there and hold me for a couple hours while I cried. That's all I wanted. It's all I could handle. She did bring me food every time she came up though.

"Honey, I just wanted to tell you that the school called me. I can't keep telling them that you're sick. They are starting to get suspicious, and they said if you are not in tomorrow they are going to need a medical note to prove your absence was because of your health. You have to find a way to get up and go to school. You have been lying here for too long," I can't go to school. Everyone will know why I was gone the second they see me. I can't walk into the classroom where I used to see him every day. Where we had sweet moments and arguments. I'll fall apart.

"Mom, I can't," I whispered.

"I know, Baby, but you have to. You have been here for the past week doing nothing but cry, listen to music, read something Ezra's mom gave you, and sleep. You have to try to continue your life."

"What's the point?" I mumbled

"Aria, I know it feels like it's the end of the world right now, but it will get easier. You can't lay up here for the rest of your life. He wouldn't have wanted that."

"I'm getting really sick and tired of people telling me what Ezra would have and wouldn't have wanted me to do. He isn't here, Mom. He is dead! That's something I have no idea how to deal with. He is supposed to be by my side holding me right now. We are supposed to be arguing about how we are going to make everything work, while you and dad try to pull us apart. I am supposed to come up with some crazy plot to sneak around your back to see him. But I can't. I'll never be able to. I'll never be able to feel his arms wrap around me as I cry, again. I'll never be able to feel his hands against my face, again. I'll never be able to hear his voice whisper into my ear, again. I'll never be able to hear him say I love you, again. I'll never be able to feel his lips against mine, again. So, sorry if I'm not living my life how he would have wanted me to. If I can't have any of those things I don't want to live a normal life. I just want..." I couldn't finish. Thinking of all those things did make me cry. Thinking of all those things made me feel like I was going to puke again. I got up and ran to the bathroom. My mom followed me and held my hair back.

"How often have you been vomiting?"

"Almost everyday. Thinking about everything makes me feel sick to my stomach."

"Are you sure it's thinking about everything, Aria?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I don't know if you and Ezra may have... if maybe..." I caught on to what my mom was trying to saying.

"Mom, why would you even think that?"

"Because morning sickness can come at anytime of the day," I couldn't respond to what my mother was trying to say. I sat counting the days and reliving that night. It was the night Ezra and I had told my parents about our relationship. I had just left the girls with Caleb and A's phone. I went over to check on him. Mike had hit him pretty hard, plus I just needed to see him. We talked and snuggled, and eventually moved to the bed. We didn't know when we were going to see each other next, because of my parents. I remember wanting to spend the night afterward, but I knew my parents would have figured out what was going on so we just cuddled for a little while and then I headed home. It was the last night I ever saw him. That night was about three weeks ago. Then I realized I was late. I was late by almost a week. I pretended nothing was wrong in front of my mother. I slowly stood up and went back to laying on the bed. I put on my music, stared into space, and waited until she left.


End file.
